"I finally love you." I said that night. "Or rather, I can finally say the words without panicking. I don't want to be with anyone else."
The rhythm of our bodies paused for a measure or two but continued in our breaths. I could see only her hair and the soft, moist slope of her neck disappearing into her curls. I felt her smiling.
My chest slid across hers as she tried to pull me even closer. She responded as I had over a year ago; silently and with her whole being. I however, knew that she loved me so her quiet response did not hurt as mine had that morning so long ago. My body had failed where hers now beautifully and sensually succeeded.
Slowly I answered her in kind. Our breaths synchronized; conducting our dance and we once again fell in time.
Slowly, she payed respect to the words spoken from my lips with the wet reciprocation of her flesh.
I inhaled her again. I had forgotten what love smelled like when not soured by fear. It smelled alive and strong, confident and graceful. It smelled like her. It always had.
I had rejected the scent - her scent - that morning, just as a child rejects a foriegn food. Survival. I was surviving. I couldn't survive another serving of that bitter dish and instead picked around the edges of the dish, touching a small forkfull to the tip of my tongue, setting it back down and almost feeding it to the dogs beneath the table.
But here I was now, kicking the dogs away and swallowing again for the first time, half expecting to choke, half expecting to be poisoned slowly over many years.
It was as salty and smooth as her shoulders which I kissed again. Silently.
And then the long after-embrace I have dreamed of this year. To feel your future embrace you tightly as the sticky-wet cools between you and glues you together. As the thunder subsides to gentle drumming; light as the last spring rain pools upon your window sill. Your future feeling safe because you finally admit your desire for it and your trust in it.
That's all your future needs.
And then the soft sleep of two lovers content because they know that they will awake still entwined. Know that the first sound to greet them when they wake will be same sound they now drift away upon.
The breath of your future gently rolling down your naked soul.
I remember her last waking breath as it slipped from between her lips, unfolded on her neck, and tumbled across her shoulder and onto mine. It paused there for a moment to meet my last breath. Then embracing so that I could not tell one from another they spiralled downwards to disappear beneath the covers. It was the last time our breaths would mingle so together.
When I awoke I was alone and chilled. The blanket and my lover with it, had gone. The sound of music tickled the crack beneath her closed bedroom door. In mild disappointment of being robbed of her I stirred, curling my knees to my chest to retain some of my own heat.
"I finally love you." I exhaled so the words born away on the back of my first waking breath . So that I could see what the words looked like. So I could feel thier tiny footsteps on my chest. But instead they dissipated quickly and vanished without a sound.
The door swung open and the music leapt into the room, pushing out the sound of my heartbeat and warming me. My lover stood there, dressed and staring at me. When I saw her face my heart jumped and it's beat fought back against the invading music.
The puddle on the window sill stirred from the center; sending a few lonely spirals outwards to disappear upon it's edge.
She stood there, staring at me, fidgeting with a curl on her neck. Her eyes were too wide to have just awoken from the same sleep I had. There was worry behind them pacing back and forth.
"Do you still love me?" She asked in that childlike way she does when she is speaking about her heart.
"Yes I still do love you."
"How much do you love me?"
"As much as you will let me."
She looked down and shuffled her feet, kicking at some imaginary dog.
Then, glancing up from beneath her tangled ringlets she asked; "Does your love forgive?"
Something darted behind her eyes and lay still; hiding somewhere in her darkness.
"It can only forgive as deeply as it can give."
"How deep is that?"
"I don't know, but I suppose you are about to throw a stone and find out."
"I guess I am."
The pool outside the window began ebbing - on its own as if agitated by invisible rain drops. Distracted or distracting myself I imagined my quickening heart beat was causing it.
I took a deep breath, trying to draw back inside the one which had mingled with hers only an hour ago.
I sat up and reached for my shirt to cover my nakedness. A small piece of fabric; made in china. I felt silly for my sudden shyness, but a little safer.
She moved across the room, now averting her eyes from me and sat on the opposite side of the couch.
"I have something I need to tell you." she paused. "It's something I haven't told anyone."
My heartbeat quit teasing the rain puddle outside and glanced up at me. Relief? Was this just a silly post-amorous confession? Would it all end in a giggle and a hug? A shy smile and a kiss from beneath those curls?
"Well...does it have to do with me?"
"Kinda."
"Okay...well you have my attention."
"I don't know if I can tell you. I don't know if I should tell you."
"Why don't you tell one of your girlfriends first and perhaps she can counsel you. I'm more gaurded with my empathy these days."
"I can't tell my friends."
"But you can tell me?"
"I don't know if I can, but I think I should now that you love me."
"Okay. Cast the stone."
tbc...
- Letter, March 24th, 2006
24.3.06
Iscriviti a:
Commenti sul post (Atom)
Nessun commento:
Posta un commento